


In Joy and Sorrow

by Fishpri



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Disabled Character, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Kylo Ren, Sign Language, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-02-27 22:52:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13258290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishpri/pseuds/Fishpri
Summary: Your name is Princess Lethe, fourth in line to the throne of planet Rane. Your parents proudly serve the First Order and its commanding officials. They don't care about you as much as your older siblings, especially because you are mute. One fateful day when you were 12, a dark new man came with General Hux on his annual meetings with your parents. That man knew you carried the Force in your veins and after a Rebel Assassin came for you … for him? Your powers showed and life would never be the same. Kylo Ren/(OC/you). Force-Sensitive/mute MC.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey !!! I've started a new Thing that will be multiple chapters, and I've lined up summaries for 6 chapters including the prologue so I know what I'm doing and won't abandon this.
> 
> Lethe's outfit is https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/327686 
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force
> 
> Please enjoy!

You make your way down the stone pathway leading away from your palace, pink skirts billowing around you as you giggle silently. You keep ahead of the young man betrothed to you at birth while he calls your name; Lethe, Princess of the lush planet Rane, allied to the First Order, fourth in line to the throne, blah blah blah. You don't care for such titles, you are 12 and haven't a care in the world. Okay fine, you do care about a few things. Your fiancée Arek, on the other hand, is 5 years older than you and shows more concern and less playfulness than you prefer. He'll soon be as serious as your parents, hopefully not as uncaring as them. Sure, you know they love you, but they see no use in a daughter who has never been able to speak. They've already married off your older sister, Sienest, and with your older twin brothers Donnic and Fenryl inheriting the throne you're pretty much left to do what you wish. Outside of your lessons that is. You prefer to spend that time playing with Arek, and he wishes you would calm down. He is like a brother to you, your faithful protector. But right now, you just want out of your stuffy palace. 

You stop briefly to sign that he should hurry up before turning around and smacking right into a tall black blob. You silently yelp in surprise as you fall backwards only to be swiftly caught by a strong pair of arms. 

“Ah, this must be King Vonar and Queen Britale's youngest, Princess Lethe. Your highness, are you alright?” Standing right next to the person you walked right into, you recognize that distinct accent coming from none other than General Armitage Hux of the First Order, no doubt on one of his many excursions to your planet to discuss politics with your father. You rub your now sore nose before nodding in reply even though you're sure the General doesn't care about your well-being at all. 

Arek catches up to you and apologizes for your carelessness before protectively pulling you away from the stranger clad in all black. You know your suitor doesn’t much care for those who hold their grasp on you for longer than what is deemed normal but you just roll your eyes instead of making it worse. 

{Good afternoon, General,} you sign with a curtsy. You look up at the new man, and notice he is immensely talk and way more clothed than is necessary for an early summer day on your planet. His face is covered by a foreboding black mask that is staring straight at you. It unnerves you to your core. You feel a slight buzz at the back of your head before Arek grabs your arm, making you realize that you were staring at him for a while. 

General Hux gives you a look of displeasure, "Your highness, you know that I don't know any sign language." You wonder after all these years that if he truly doesn't know, or doesn't care to learn.

You scowl at him while Arek translates, "Sorry, sir; she was just saying good afternoon." 

"Ah, right, well … yes I suppose it is a good afternoon," he replies, resuming his march up to the castle. 

You turn to Arek, ignoring the General, {Who's the new guy?} You're unsettled by that mask but it's best to know who is who in your kingdom. 

He only responds with a shrug. 

Deciding it's best not to deal with creepy men in masks, you start running away from the castle again as your father opens the palace doors, greeting General Hux. "Ah, General, what a fine day for you to come! And who might this young fellow be?" 

You hear the General reply with an introduction to the newest edition to the First Order, Commander Kylo Ren. You suppose that they're here to try planning "advantageous marriages" to high ranking First Order officers again, including this Ren guy. You snicker because your sister and you are both tied to men, and your brothers don't care enough to bother courting anyone at all. 

Faintly, you feel a voice in your head, _I heard that._ You jump, clapping your hands over your ears even though it was all in your mind. No one's been in your head before but now you know that you don't like it. You twirl around, getting ready to sign angrily at the culprit only to see Commander Ren's cowl enter your home and you shiver. 

You glower at the doors before tossing what just happened from your mind, taking off in a sprint to reach the river, your favorite spot outside of the palace and as far as you can go with only Arek. He finally catches up to you. "Gods, Princess, PLEASE slow down. I can't protect you if you keep running out of my reach," he huffs, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead. You don't like when he calls you princess and kisses your forehead like a child, but you decide to only scrunch your nose in mild annoyance. 

With a sigh you sign, {I'll be fine, Arek. The kingdom is safe as safe can be, especially with those high ranking First Order officials so close. Relax a little.} The wink you give him is not helping him feel any better. And of course after saying that, you get a feeling of something bad about to happen in the pit of your stomach. You've had this feeling before, half of the time leading to nothing good but you decide to not tell Arek of this and try passing it off as a fluke feeling. You take your shoes off to dip your feet in the cold river, looking for fish while Arek sits on the hill to watch over you and around you, keeping you safe. 

Minutes later he sees a slight rustle by the forest's edge. You hear the worry in his vice as he gets up, "Lethe, we should go." It's a big thing when he refers to you by your first name. 

You look up to see an blaster shot fly by Arek's face, barely grazing his cheek. You'd yell in anger if you could, but instead you're instantly running; forgetting about your shoes. Arek grabs your hand as you both clamber up the hill towards the safety of the palace. 

Shots are still flying at you, one of them hits your leg and pain tears through you. Your scream is silent but Arek still notices from the empty space where your hand used to be. You sign obscenities at your attacker as you grit your teeth to stand and run. Arek comes back to you, flinging you over his shoulder so that you won’t further injure your muscles. You silently curse him for protecting you rather than saving himself or getting help. Well, to be fair, he IS yelling for the guards. You wonder where they are as Arek gets to the top of the hill, with all of his efforts being met with getting a blaster shot straight to the chest. 

Arek goes down, and so do you. Scrambling over to him, you grab his hand as he reaches out, “Run, Lethe; protect yourself.” 

{No, not without you,} you sign with one hand. Tears fall freely and blur your vision as you struggle with pulling him to safety. 

The assailant has gotten closer now, asking where Commander Ren is while pointing their blaster at your face. 

As Arek takes his last breath, the bitter tears on your cheeks give way to the power of anger, making your hair and small rocks around you lift from their resting places. _You. You took my dearest friend from me._ You were using the Force to communicate your rage; you would be more stunned under better circumstances. But now isn’t the time, your fiancée is dead and you want to make his killer PAY. You feel that same buzzing in the back of your head as before while you will the attacker away with a fling your hand at him. He immediately flies back into the forest as you hear troopers and your palace guard approach. Hearing the sound of heavy boots, you turn and see the man in all black in your view as you try getting up. 

Suddenly, you are forced back down. "Stay down," the distorted voice commands you. 

_NO, HE KILLED AREK. HE DESERVES TO PAY!_ You don't care if this damn idiot is Supreme Leader Snoke himself, you will get vengeance. You struggle to get back up but fatigue from the blaster injury and using whatever powers you somehow just awakened for the first time makes it easier for Kylo Ren to put you to sleep with the Force. The last thing in your mind before unconsciousness is him, assuring you he will kill the rebel assassin. 

 

Your sleeping form is brought back to your chambers, the Commander himself carrying you to your bed as your nursemaids flutter about. He places you down on your bed and silently stalks out of the room, only glancing back to order your servants to not tell you that he helped, only that troopers brought you here. He has no time nor care for young girls getting attached. 

You rouse long enough to hear the voices of your parents and General Hux outside your cracked open doors, discussing the incident and what to do with your newfound Force sensitivity. There is no concern for Arek to be heard in your parents voices, as Hux is quick to point out that you are now free to be pledged to a member of the First Order. You hate them for deciding your future without you, but you know that either way you could never have a say in it. Still, you strain to hear what they plot for you. 

Trying to get up, you feel yourself being forced back down on your bed as you hear Ren telling your parents that you would make a great asset if you were trained in the Force. You struggle against his powers but it is evident that even with his attention out in the hall, he is decidedly too strong for you to overpower so that you can run out and object. 

You hear beeping on a datapad before Hux announces that there will be a trainer waiting for you, and that you will depart immediately when you awaken. You struggle harder as the Commander senses you've heard enough and luls you back to sleep with the Force. You wonder why such men as a high ranking First Oder officer and that masked outsider would care about a useless spare princess who can’t even talk but you’re too exhausted from the day and the pull of the force that you quietly drift off to dream of lightsaber fights and your now-dead protector.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to say something, but I can't remember!  
> Italics used for talking through the Force.

It's been years since you came to this miserable planet, five if you think hard enough about it. You are 17 and still training on some godforsaken hunk of ice and rocks in the middle of nowhere. Not once have you been told what you're training for, not the name of this planet, nothing apart from Supreme Leader Snoke wishes your training goes smoothly. For the first few weeks, it had decidedly not gone anywhere. 

When you got to your new living quarters, you kicked and punched at anyone who came near you; tears became a staple of your face. You didn't care so much that you were torn away from your parents, but losing your siblings, your planet, gods even your suitor left you feeling scared and alone. Not even Commander Ren could quell your tantrums. You kept at this for as long as you could, until one day when Ren had had enough. He held you down with the Force, his modulated voice telling you to channel your anger and pain into your training. You screamed in his head to get out; you didn't care about anything anymore and you damn well made sure to show it. He didn't move, you couldn't move, both of you just stared at each other; a dark unfeeling mask and the scared little girl who hated him. Eventually, you calmed down enough for him to deem it safe to release you, cursing under his breath as he turned to leave. You swore you thought you felt sympathy emanating from him through tendrils of the Force, like he was trying to let you know that it would get better with time. You pushed the thought from your head. For the next week you thought on what he said to you, only taking meals in silence but still refusing to leave your rooms. You finally made a decision, throwing yourself into training after that; becoming a mechanical shell of a person. Anger was your only friend now, and you wouldn't let it be any other way. You didn't know anyone there anyway, so you weren't too bothered. The only one who could vaguely be called an exception was the one attendant that you were allowed and thank the sky above that she knew sign language. You didn't care to use the Force to communicate. You wouldn't give /him/ the satisfaction of showing that you were learning how to better use it. 

Over the course of your time there, officers of the First Order would stop at the small, cold planet to check on your development; sometimes the Commander himself came too. He didn't look your way, which you were more than happy about, and did not utter any words to you. Hell, he barely talked to anyone. He just asked for your progress reports, checked them, turned, and left. Sometimes you felt a buzz at the back of your head as he departed, and you were grateful that your training made you strong enough to put up mental walls against it. You won't let him in. Eventually you realize that you wanted to know what is under that mask. Not for any semblance of caring, but curiosity over he no longer unnerved you like when you first met. 

 

You have been waiting years for the time to come when you learn how to use a lightsaber, honestly it is the only thing that excites you these days. And today is that day, you can just feel it. Reaching the training room, your guard leaves you like every day before. You sit down on the mat to clear your head in meditation while waiting for your master. Several minutes pass by uneventfully and you feel a presence, /his/ presence. Surely, he's not the one training you today. Hearing that now familiar respirator confirms that unwanted man's existence and you frown. Something is tossed at your feet and as the hum of a lightsaber turns on, your eyes shoot open. 

"Pick that up, it's time to begin." 

Suddenly you hear his lightsaber gun straight for you, and with quick thinking you roll forward and pick up the object to assume your battle stance. You look at it, a lightsaber. Hopefully now yours forever to wield. The Commander advances on you. Shit, you don't know how to turn this damn thing on. With no time to act you flip backwards, narrowly dodging another swing. Good thing you decided to put your hair in a bun today, otherwise you would have one nasty smelling new haircut. Hastily looking at the saber you find the button, smashing it down as you thrust the hilt upwards to defend yourself. You clench your eyes shut, not daring to look at him or what happens next, hoping this isn't your last moment alive. Surprisingly, you feel your arms being pushed down but you aren't dead yet, shit it actually worked. Swinging the new weapon in a downward motion, you advance on him. _What the fuck did you do that for? You could have killed me!_ You push at him with the Force. 

His reply comes in the form of crashing his lightsaber into the one you hold again, not relenting on trying to hit you. You parry and dodge as much as you can, backing up too close to the wall for your comfort. 

_Fight me, don't just defend,_ he commands. You turn away from him, and using the wall as a springboard, flip over and swing the lightsaber towards him with all the force you can muster. _Better, but not good enough._ He dodges, rolling to the side and sweeps a leg under your feet. You fall on your rear and curse as you roll away just in the nick of time. Where you were a moment ago is now left as smoke and melted rubber. 

_Would you stop for two damn seconds!_ You don't have time to fully stand up as his lightsaber comes down on you again. This is getting annoying, you're used to quick maneuvering because your master is tough, but this guy is taking it to a whole nother level. 

_No._

This continues for hours, until you're certain that all of your muscles are screaming in pain and you are covered head to toe in sweat. The Commander either senses you are at your training limits for the day, or just feels like he has seen enough and stops. This sudden change causes you to trip over yourself and land flat on your face. You scowl, falling on or around this man keeps happening enough that you wish it doesn't turn into a habit. 

As you stand, he calls for a trooper to escort you back to your rooms before getting ready to leave himself. You glower at him as you accidentally project that you're not a child and he doesn't scare you anymore. You hear a small laugh in your head, though he does not turn to face you or otherwise acknowledge he heard. Your anger rises and you storm off, not waiting for the trooper to catch up. 

 

Back in your rooms, you find two objects on your table that you don't remember being there when you left this morning. One, obviously being a holopad, but the second was a small box. You decide to ignore it for now, as you don't care for any gifts from anyone among the living. 

Turning the holopad on, you are greeted with the faces of your parents, "Oh Lethe, our dear daughter, how are you?" A lump forms in your throat, your mother has never used any form of endearment in regards to you before. You hope it is only because you haven't seen her in so long. "We just got word of the big announcement and we are so happy for you, darling!” Wait, what announcement? You haven't heard of any announcement. Leaning in, you can’t fathom what your father says next. 

“Daughter, what your mother is trying to say is that we are so proud to hear that by order of our Supreme Leader, you will be honoring our planet by becoming the wife of Commander Ren." 

You stare at the holopad, your father and mother chattering on about how once you complete your training that the two of you will be wed and that your mother is so happy that you finally have a use. Of course, you’re not paying any attention to this, you’re in shock. Any color left on your face drains away as you turn to the small box. Eyes wide and fingers shaking, you slowly open it to reveal a twisted black ring that features a single crimson gem in the center. 

Anger consumes you as you chuck the holopad across the room as hard as you can. It shatters and you scream through the Force, so loud that everyone must feel your rage, sadness, loss. What little possessions you have in your room are broken in the resulting whirlwind. You’re too angry to cry, but you do register that you crumple to the floor. Balling your fists you feel the buzz of that damnable Commander and your now-fiancée, Kylo Ren, trying to get to you through the Force. You shove him away. In that moment you curse his plague of an existence upon your life, swearing that he cannot have you, will never have your heart or your body. You hate that fucking man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for this chapter being a smidge shorter, but it flows quite well for what I put and the plot has picked up a bit. Here's a link to the engagement ring, I just love it so much  
> http://www.vancaro.com/solitaire-style-heart-ruby-925-sterling-silver-the-black-queen-women-s-designer-ring.html
> 
> Also next chapter will feature our poor princess going back to her home planet after completing her training because Kylo isn't a heartless bastard and because that's where the wedding will take place. (sorry I originally thought the wedding would be the next chapter but man I'm just confusing myself at this point because it's in chapter 3)  
> I'll do my best to update as often as I can, I start school back up on Monday so I may be able to churn out chapters on a consistent schedule (please cross your fingers for me).


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY PUT THAT THIS CHAPTER WOULD HAVE THE WEDDING, my bad guys. I fixed it though, and I promise next chapter WILL have it. It may take me a bit longer to delve more into it but I'll write it up as soon as I can :D Please enjoy!
> 
> Lethe's outfit for the first part: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/327804  
> And her outfit for the party: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/327885 
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force

You've been back on Rane for three months now, your twentieth birthday came and went in a flash. Your wedding is only a week away, and you still feel like you haven't accepted this fact. Once, you were excited to have a spring wedding, but that was when Arek was still alive and now he isn't so there's no sense in you pulling yourself back down memory lane. You dress for the day, in a light blue sleevless gown and drape your blue butterfly cape over yourself to keep out the chill. Your maids style your hair and accessorize you as you stare at the reflection sitting at your vanity. You feel like you don't know who you are anymore. Like every day since your return, one of your maids goes to open the small box containing your engagement ring and you swat her hand away, not wanting to touch the loathsome thing. You would take all the time that you could to not wear it, until your mother came to fuss over you and slip it on your finger for the day. 

Right on cue, you thought, as she came bustling in to your bedroom. "My sweetest little girl, hurry and finish putting on your tiara. Oh silly, you haven't put your ring on yet! Come here so I can put it on you." You hated anything to do with him, but some small part of you did enjoy your mother giving you attention after so long, so you let her slide the piece onto your calloused finger. "Honestly, dear, I don't know how they could treat you so savagely on that planet for all those years. Callouses! On MY child, tsk tsk," she pats your hands and you let her prattle on whatever nonsense she fixes on for the day. 

Your mind wanders, wondering if your soon-to-be husband will allow you the small comfort of wearing the flowery gowns that are tradition in your kingdom instead of the dreary all-black of the First Order uniforms. She pulls you out of your thoughts by handing you your shoes for the day, the finishing touch for your outfit. 

“Come now Lethe, let’s go on our afternoon walk,” she waits for you to stand so she can take your arm. Fleetingly, you wish for the simpler times of your training where you did more than just walk the castle grounds and listen to the unimportant babbling of your mother. 

With a sigh, you wave your hand to dismiss your maids and put your heels on before standing and exiting the room. 

Outside, your personal guard Elara is waiting. "Your majesties," she greets, saluting you both in proper military fashion. 

{Captain Govan, so nice to see you again,} you reply truthfully. She has been assigned to follow you like a shadow since you got back. Surprisingly you have found yourself to be growing fond of her over the last few months, seeing as she treats you like an actually competent sentient being instead of a delicate waif of a princess. She is only a few years older than you, but that doesn't bother you in the slightest. The three of you start walking, with Elara trailing a respectable distance behind. 

The walk goes smoothly in silence until your mother interrupts, "Lethe, are you certain that you cannot just fix your voice with the Force? I know it's more of a Jedi trick but it would be more productive if you were able to speak." She asks this every day, and at no point do you wish to talk about it. 

Sure, you practice Force healing when you need it, but you've never wanted to try to "fix" your voice as there is nothing that you feel that needs fixing. You didn't speak with words when growing up, and you see no desire to change that now. {Mother, I told you, there are only so many things that the Force can manipulate, and I don't care to see if that is one of them.} You also don't care to tell her that you can talk through the Force, deciding long ago that she would settle just fine for reading hand signs. Elara, on the other hand, knows you are quite adept at using the Force however you want but keeps your prowess a secret as per your request. You often train with her when your mother is off on business, though sadly you can only spar with hand-to-hand combat and the occasional staff. You've been itching to use the Force (and your lightsaber) on someone but all that you've managed to do is collect dust on your lightsaber as it sits idly at the back of your belt. 

As your group nears the doors to the main entrance hallway, you feel several unfamiliar individuals and … shit, two DECIDEDLY familiar individuals. You don't feel like dealing with them today, or ever. {Mother, may we turn around here? I'm ready to retire to my rooms.} 

"Nonsense, daughter, why would we do that? The General and -dare I say, future husband- should be arriving any second now, and we must do our best to be gracious hosts and greet them," she insists on tormenting you as much and as often as possible, doesn't she. You just roll your eyes in frustration. 

Pulling your face into as apathetic a mask as you can, you quickly inform your guard of exactly who she is about to meet, _Elara, on the other side of this corner is the man I am unfortunately marrying in a week's time. He is THE Commander Kylo Ren of the First Order, and while I don't actually care about him I would rather you not rile his temper, for he is quite volatile in actions when angered. No response for what I just told you is needed._

You see her straighten up a bit at the warning, but remain silent in acknowledgement. She hurries ahead to open the doors, and the three of you are greeted with several First Order Stormtroopers, some dignitaries that you didn't know, General Hux, and your ill-gotten suitor. You frown at their presence, having hoped that they found the wedding preparations boring enough to just show up at the last moment before the ceremony begins. 

You do your best not to look at them, but your mother seems less inclined to leave them waiting for your father, "Ah, General, Commander, how nice it is to see you both again! We," she pulls you in front of her, "hope you have a lovely stay. Lethe, darling," She pushes you a bit more, "be a dear and show these fine men the hospitality of Rane!" The only hospitality you would want to show them is a swift end. Luckily, it doesn't have to come to that as your father steps into the hallway, saving you the hassle of escorting them anywhere. 

"Good afternoon, your majesties," Hux enthusiastically greeted the three of you, as Ren muttered a quick hello. 

Your father gave them a warm smile, "Come, boys; let's go to my office and talk so we don't bore the ladies with our uneventful business negotiations." He gave your mother and you each a quick peck on the cheek before ushering the leaders into the main part of the palace. 

You hear a whisper as they get close to the end of the hall, _You look lovely in that gown today, out of what you wore before._ It was Commander Ren in your head again. You stick your tongue out at him, confusing your mother as by the time she looks where he was, the door had already closed behind him. 

 

You hate rehearsal dinners, on your planet they are a whole day affair of planning, fussing over you, and of course drinking. Sadly, no matter how much you tried no one would give you any alcoholic beverages and damn you could really use one right now. Dealing with your mother getting more excited the closer it became to the wedding date was worse than your training, you're sure of it. Thankfully, Sienest had taken over to give you some relief in getting ready. You were already in your gown for the day, a lovely crimson one with a drop-shoulder cape that matches the ring you were given as an engagement present from Commander Ren. The irony of him giving you the same color ring as the customary wedding attire on your planet almost makes you smirk. Almost. 

"Little Lethe, my dear sweet younger sister," Sienest was braiding your hair into a fishtail braid, and you were enjoying her hands sifting through your long tresses. "Officially, I’m so happy for you! Marriage is an exciting new adventure." She sighs, and you look down. The both of you know that your marriage would not be an exciting new adventure. You try not to cry as she hugs you, her pregnant belly making it difficult for her to squeeze you tightly. "I know the Commander isn't ... the kindest of people, but I do wish the best for you, and that he learns to care for you even a fraction of how much I love you," she kisses your cheek. The two of you have always been close, even though she is fifteen years older and treats you more like a daughter at times. You don't care, she could do anything and you'd still think world of her. She married for love, the purest thing in the world, and now she is pregnant with their third child. 

The silence that settled upon the room was broken by your doors opening as your mother burst in. She held a box in her arms, and approached the two of you. "My beautiful daughters," she mused. Turning to you, she knelt by your side. "This is my favorite necklace, and I would be so happy if you would wear it today for the festivities." It was customary to not wear any type of jewelry on the day of a princess' marriage, at least not until after the ceremony. You had already picked out what you will be wearing for the reception tomorrow, so this small gift was an indulgence you were willing to allow. Sienest finished your hair, and lifted it up so that your mother could easily slip the black flowered necklace around your neck and you stood up. 

{I'm ready,} you announce; as ready as you'll ever be. Sienest gives you a quick look and you mentally reassure her that you will be okay. 

Finally, you make your way down to the ballroom where the party is being held. Donnic and Fenryl were already waiting for you, and stepped to be on either side of you as the three of you were announced. You see General Hux noticing you first as you descend the stairs, mumbling something to the Commander who then follows your slow pace. Everyone is staring at you, the youngest daughter of the ruling monarchy and a Force-wielding mute. What a day. Ren looks away first, and you tell yourself that you don't care what he does. 

Reaching the end of the stairs, you deeply curtsy to all of your people before your father begins his speech. You barely listen to him, your eyes instead scanning the room. You don't really care for this, you'd rather be in your room until the day you die but you have resigned yourself to this awful fate. You do hear your father talk of how you and Commander Ren care for each other deeply, as the latter saunters over, looking uncomfortable as he takes your hand as your father finishes his toast. You scowl at your entwined hands. Soon you two will be tied to one another and you promise yourself that you will not grow to care for him. 

 

The party goes on for hours, and after you somehow managed to slip away you hear the General and Commander talking about you off in an empty hallway. General Hux scoffs, "It is such a shame that the First Order wasted resources in training a trophy wife who can’t speak, among other things for the troopers."  
You feel angry tears sting your eyes as he continues, "Really, Ren, what were you thinking? We have no use for her if she's just going to be sitting around all day. Wasted potential glaring us in the face." You're seething now, the Force lifting up stray pottery in your wake as you storm back to your rooms hating them both. You don’t hear the indignation in Ren’s voice as he tells Hux off because you had already ran out of earshot. Damn them both.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the wedding, yay! Lethe is still quite opposed to this idea of Kylo Ren as her husband, but she'll warm up in due time. The general type of marriage ceremony performed on Rane is your basic handfasting ceremony because they are so elegant in my opinion.
> 
> Lethe's outfit for the ceremony: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/327957  
> For the reception: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328009  
> Aaand her nightgown: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328032
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force

There were still a scant few things in life that weren’t ruined for you almost eight years ago, surprisingly weddings were one of them. Your favorite was your sister’s, her flowing dark red dress and white cape will always be what you first picture when thinking of her. She was the most radiant being then, and you find joy in thinking of how happy she was that day. Your dress, however, would be decidedly different. You didn’t allow any of your family to see it, if you could hold one thing against your parents this would be it. You sit at your vanity in your dressing robe as your maids fussed over your hair and makeup, perfecting it before your mother entered. She didn’t say a word when she came in, just placed the delicate black lace applique wraps on your feet with pursed lips. She didn’t very well approve of the black, but you convinced her that it was to match your husband-to-be's normal attire and completely not because you were mourning your future. Honestly, who would do such a petty thing, other than a woman who has lost all hope for a happy marriage and can only fight for small comforts. Either way, it is tradition for the marrying couple to not wear any shoes for the ceremony. Though you doubt the Commander will respect that tradition, or any tradition of his future bride's home. Still, you couldn’t help being excited even if just a little bit for today. 

It was time to put your dress on, and you shoo everyone out of the room except your sister. Sienest takes your wedding dress out of the closet and helps you step into it. It was black chiffon with a red ombre bottom. You snicker to yourself at the thought of your mother fainting when she sees your dress. 

Sienest perks up, "What could be so funny on the most serious day of my little sister's life?" 

{It's nothing,} you sign, even though your face is still tugging upwards in a small smile. 

She scoffs and playfully swats at you, "don't play that game with me, I know you, silly. What's going on in that messy head of yours." 

You sigh, {I was just thinking of the look on mother's face when she sees...} you gesture to your dress, {all of this.} 

She places her hand against her mouth, in deep thought. "Well … yes you are right," she smiles. "It's going to be hilarious. BUT, this is YOUR day, Lethe." She gently places her hands on either of your shoulders, her somber amethyst eyes looking you straight on, "Are you sure this is what you want? Not just the dress, but are you okay with … him?" You thought you heard her voice slightly crack at the mention of Commander Ren. 

You look down for a moment, truly mulling it over before meeting her eyes and nodding your head. {Yes, I am ready.} 

Sienest smiles sadly at you and nods herself, wiping away tears that were forming over a mixture of her feelings of pride and sadness. She knew how much you were giving up, and hopefully your happiness wasn't one of those things. After taking a deep breath, she presses her forehead against yours, whispering prayers to whatever gods would listen that this will be the best for you. 

Breaking contact, you step towards the door, putting on a brave face, _Are you ready for the biggest wedding of your lifetime, dear sister? Come take my hand and lead me to what the future has in store._ She nods and the two of you walk to the Southern courtyard entrance, where everyone was waiting for you. 

 

Just as you approached the doors, one of the maids stepped in front of you with a big box in her arms, "Miss, I brought what you asked for." You wonder who asked for what because it indisputably wasn't you. 

Sienest thanked the maid and dismissed her, "I have a present for you, precious sister," she said. She opened the box to reveal the same white flowered cape she wore for her wedding. "It's not much-" 

_No, it's perfect,_ you vigorously shook your head at her attempt to diminish the quality of her gift to you. She took the cape out of the box and delicately fastened it around you, pulling the hood over your head. 

"There, now you're ready to be on your way," she murmured. You pulled her into a tight hug. 

"Ah, my daughters, what a fine day it is outside. Sienest, go sit down with Rosmer, your husband is waiting for you. Lethe, my adorable girl, come give me your hand so I can do you proud and walk with you." Your father was happy about this union, a union you currently found to be quite odious. But it was still nice to have him with you, walking you through the doors and across the sea of people and cherry blossom trees, to the man who was to be the most important part of your life in a matter of minutes. 

As you get closer, you frown at his attire. Sure, you were expecting him to be fully dressed in his uniform but at least without the helmet! You quickly catch your crestfallen expression as you near the podium, forming the stone-cold mask that has kept you together the last several years. The two of you reach the dais and the Commander unceremoniously sticks his hand out for your father to place yours on top of. With one last goodbye, King Vonar steps down as you step up to face whatever the Force has in store for you. You think you hear a sigh slip out through Commander Ren's helmet but you decide it must be your nerves making you hear things. 

 

The ceremony was short, as short as it could be seeing as the officiant had a lot of ground to cover with a royal marriage. The reception was to follow shortly after. No pictures, just back to your rooms while the men do whatever they do at weddings on your planet. You’ve never been allowed to see what goes on then but at the same time you also don’t really care. You’ll be grateful for any and all time away from your … husband. You can't believe you're married now. Well, you can because you WERE there for that, and you didn't actually want to try to block the memory that was forming of this day. Still, you ripped off the tiara and flowers adorning your hair as you enter your room. Hot tears were now streaming down your face as you fling yourself at your bed. You laid there for a couple minutes, feeling the Force buzz through your entire body, calming you. Eventually, you get up and make your way over to your vanity and find that a foreign box with a small note has been placed atop it. You look at the note first, “A gift for my queen” scribbled on it. It’s from /him/. You open it to find a new crown, a black and red one that matches your engagement-turned-wedding ring from him. You immediately get up and walk away, as you hear a small knock at your door. 

Elara steps in, quickly shutting the doors behind herself. "I'm here to come get you, my Lady," her voice was smaller than usual. She makes her way over to the vanity and looks the crown over with her eyes. She quickly reads the note, and moves to pick up the crown as you walk towards her. She immediately stops reaching and turns to give you a great hug, and tears spill free once again at your lost freedom, lost life. "I'm sorry, your Highness, I wish I could take all these terrible events away and give you a guaranteed happy life." She had become the best guardian you could ever hope for these last few months, you thought. She sighed as you buried your head in her arms, "Now is the time to be strong, I know you can do it, Princess." 

She held you for several more minutes, letting you get all of the sobs out of your system, before you lightly pulled away from her. She was taller than you, not as tall as your now-husband, but still towering over you. She brushed a stray lock of hair away from your face, and smiled. "There, are you ready to go down to the reception dinner?" You nodded, and she called for your maids to fix your hair and makeup. She brought over your jewelry and shoes, removing the lace wraps and slipping the heels on as your maids worked their magic on your hair and face. As you sat there, you hardened your resolve. Your life doesn't matter now, you just need to act like the best wife possible. Your family and your kingdom were counting on you. 

 

As Elara escorted you to the dining hall, she made small talk but did not mention what had transpired in your rooms. You were grateful for the distraction, and her knowing silence on the touchy subject. As you reach the reception, Ren approaches and takes his gloved hand in your bare one, and suddenly you are the perfect little wife, nodding cheerily as he walks you around the room so your guests may congratulate you and the Commander on a happy marriage. His energy surrounds you and you shiver slightly because you know he knows you’ve been crying. He lets go, moving his black-clad hand to the small of your back and leads you to the head table for dinner. 

Food is not to be taken lightly in your kingdom, especially at a wedding. Ren, however, doesn’t eat, his helmet frustratingly staying in place, you tell yourself he must not be hungry. You also find yourself not all that hungry, but force yourself to eat a bit of the dinner that was prepared for your terrible wedding. You feel like you should at least enjoy what you can while you can before you are whisked off to only the gods know where. 

Several people gave toasts, your father and then the twins starting them. Ren stayed silent throughout. Near the end of General Hux of all people's speeches and without turning to you, you hear his modulated voice address you, "You should pack tonight, we are leaving for a … honeymoon … in the morning. Take only what you need, the rest of your wardrobe will be sent over. To StarKiller Base. To await our return." You immediately sigh in relief that you won’t have to wear a ghastly First Order uniform for the rest of your miserable days, and out of the corner of your eye you see his head tilt ever so slightly. 

 

After dinner you excused yourself back to your rooms. There was to be a celebration dance afterwards, and as much as you loved dancing you couldn't bring yourself to do it this day. Closing your doors, you shed your outfit and put on your favorite nightgown before taking off your makeup and fix your hair into a loose braid. Then, you start packing. A few minutes later as you were tapping your foot in front of your open closet, you fleetingly entertain the idea of slipping away into the night. Frowning, you shake your head as you tell yourself there is nowhere you could go that the First Order wouldn’t find you. And you weren't willing to find out what would happen to a wife who was captured for deserting one of the most powerful men in all the galaxy. Or worse, getting found and dragged back by the First Order. 

Suddenly, you hear heavy boots approach your door, stopping just out of knocking range. Your heart beats fast as you rush over and feel his presence on the other side and strain to hear a knock, but there comes no sound as you wait with one hand an inch from turning the knob. A minute passes and you hear those boots walk away from your quarters. You realize you were holding your breath, exhaling as you decide to finish packing. 

Eventually, you crawl in to your comfy bed for the last time in your life, dreading the rise of tomorrow's sun but too tired to stay awake much longer. You feel him through the Force as you drift off into a deep sleep, wondering if your lives will turn out better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine all the citizens of Rane to have silver hair and various shades of purple for eye color. But that's just me, you're welcome to think as you will for it~


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, I'm sorry. Nothing much happens in this chapter other than the First Order trying to lay down a spoop.
> 
> Lethe's outfit: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328061
> 
> Italics used for talking through the Force

You awake the next day completely refreshed and happy. You lazily go over your dream, Arek was still alive and he kept telling you how proud he was of you; how strong with the Force you have become. He cupped your head in his hands and you smiled. You had felt the waking world pull at you but you didn’t want to leave him, and you frown as the last bit of the dream flashed through your eyes. You had closed your eyes and felt his warm hands turn into cold leather gloves. You opened your eyes, confused. Looking back at you was a cold, dark helmet. You got so startled that you woke yourself. Sill not fully awake, you sit up and wonder why you would dream of Commander Ren. You blink your eyes against the morning light for a few minutes when it hits you. Dejectedly, you groan and flop back onto your soft pillows as you remember that you're now married to him. 

Eventually, you throw the dream away along with your covers and dress yourself for the day. Having picked out a pale pink off-the-shoulder dress with a lace overlay, you find a matching ribbon for your hair. You entertain the thought about not putting on the crown your husband gifted you out of spite, but decided to just wear it anyway. You actually liked the branch-like combination of how your ring and crown were crafted, how they matched each other perfectly. And as a plus, you had a black lace collar that would work wonderfully to give you the feeling of having more confidence than you actually do, considering you are now married to the second most feared man in all the galaxy. You don't feel the part, but you decide that you damn well will look the part. Your wardrobe consists mostly of flowered gowns but you have a few choice pieces that will work to make you look intimidating. You hope it will also make most people leave you alone. 

Exiting your room, you are greeted with the sight of the man who startled you from your dreams, still silent as ever towards you but he holds his arm out for you to take just the same. You wonder how long he's been standing there but then conclude that he can wait for you as long as you feel like. He continues to not say anything to you as he walks with you to the shuttle bay where General Hux is waiting. You scowl at Hux like he is the sole reason Ren isn't talking to you. As soon as you get within hearing range of him, the General is instantly rattling off things you don’t care about to the Commander. Thankfully, Ren shoots a glare at Hux that stops him in his tracks as you both keep walking onto the ship that was supposedly just taking the two of you off to your honeymoon and away from your home planet forever. As the ship lifts off, you stare out the window, wondering if your husband lied to you about where you were going. But you didn’t care. You let out a small sigh as nothing would make this prison better. 

 

Hours later, after the absolute most boring flight you have ever been on in your entire life, the ship arrives somewhere… a strange planet. You don't recognize any of the surrounding area but it is decidedly not as cold as you’ve heard Starkiller Base to be, nor is it the Finalizer. You give Ren a puzzled look as he turns to face you like he wants to say something, but looks away seconds later without a word. His silence was starting to get on your nerves. Turning away from him, you wonder what horrors your deadly spouse has in store for you today. He whispers something to you, you think it's an apology, as the ship's doors open and Hux boards. They talk as they lead you and a group of troopers through the hangar to a village a short distance away. 

_Where are we?_ You ask the both of them, not really caring but apprehensive about them dragging you to this unknown world instead of a secluded honeymoon getaway. Hell, or even the Finalizer or Starkiller Base. You haven't really been to that many other planets but this one was currently giving off an air of fear and impending death and you definitely do not want to be here, but you can’t exactly just walk away so you keep up with the two taller men. 

Evidently finding your destination, General Hux stops and turns to address you, "Well Princess, a rebel spy was heard to be in this town, and we are here to sniff out this rat. So you, lucky girl, are about to see the true power of your husband, and the First Order, for the first time of soon to be many." His ominous smirk sends chills down your spine but you do your best not to let him see that you’re scared. 

You mull over his words, not being able to decide who you hate more, the pathetic Resistance, or your new keepers. Troopers bring over some of the frightened citizens, forcing them to their knees in front of the three of you. You feign apathy and look away. 

Then, out of the corner of your eyes you see Ren ignite his lightsaber, "Where is the spy," his modulated voice added to their fear. The villagers don't reply. Ren repeats himself, "Where are they.” He was quickly losing what little patience he possesses, and good things really do not happen when the Commander loses his patience. He lets the captives sweat it out for a few minutes before starting to pace in front of them. You just stand there, transfixed on his broad form in some combination of fear and intrigue. Suddenly, he swings at one of the villagers, slicing off the poor man's arm instantly yet still painfully. The man screams in pain for a minute, before Ren motions for a stormtrooper to shoot to kill, splattering the man's brains and blood all over the villagers next to him. The closest spray victim shrieks in surprise and her life is also quickly ended. You realize then that there will be no mercy today. Commander Ren stops pacing to continue his threats, “Give up the traitor, and for the rest of you. Your deaths will be... quick," they just look at each other, nervous, bloody, and silent. 

You wonder why they just don’t give the traitorous scrum up, they could avoid further pain of they just complied. A sweet and painless death was better than dragging out the inevitable and making it much worse. Several more agonizing minutes pass before your husband tires of their uncooperative behavior and swiftly dispatches the rest of them with his saber. Still unsatisfied, he gives the General the order to burn the village to the ground with leaving no survivors. 

You don’t care for the rebels but it is your first time seeing innocents being killed. Wait, why did you just call them innocents? They were hiding rebel trash and deserve what they are getting. You decide probably not the children though, they probably didn’t even know what was going on. Ren comes over to you, sensing your unease. You feel sick, and find yourself leaning into him for some godforsaken reason. Without looking or moving towards you, you feel an arm around your shoulders. With one last glance at the burning remains as he leads you back to the ship, you whisper to him, _This honeymoon sucks._


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm late! I'm a huge square, I know. My car died (the connector ends that hook up to the battery were cheap and bunk so my fiancee replaced them with brass ones.) I also had to work and get stuff for school. Things are progressing quite nicely and Lethe is finally .... not hating Kylo! Yaay, I promise I'll get to some good bonding time soon. Like, next chapter. As always, thank you for reading and please enjoy!
> 
> Lethe's outfit arriving to Starkiller Base: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328073  
> And a few days in: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328083
> 
> Italics for talking through the Force.

Today is the day you are finally on Starkiller Base. Your “home” if you could force yourself to call it that, for the rest of your now-miserable life. It’s already too damn cold and you've barely stepped off of the Commander's ship, and you decide that you want to find out who is personally responsible for heating the hanger and strangle them for not doing their job at all. Shivering in what was supposed to be a warm cloak and gloves, you immediately turn back around to make your way back to the coziness that the ship would provide for you, however you frown as you see that several stormtroopers are blocking the way. Ugh, guess you’ll just have to deal with it for now until you're inside the building. Hopefully your new quarters are at least somewhat cozy, now that you’re alone you don’t have anyone to cuddle next to to keep the cold out and you doubt the base has any fireplaces. The only cuddling partner option would be your new husband, and that really is NOT going to be happening anytime soon. 

You hear a snort coming from somewhere around where you were supposed to be facing and immediately your walls come up; shit. Ren isn’t allowed in your head, you’ve trained too hard for this. You'll never get to use any skills you have honed over the years except this one and you will not let him in. You turn to face him, ready to give your best glare yet. You are robbed of that satisfaction as he is looking over you, pointing to two troopers, "You two, take her to her chambers." He starts leaving with the rest of them on his ship to gods know where, leaving you dumbfounded. 

HER chambers? What the hell is this, you thought you would be sharing a suite with your husband as was customary on your... well, probably everywhere in the galaxy that you could think of. You were shocked by both not occupying the same rooms as the Commander and shocked again that you were upset by this revelation. What did you care that you would be spending even less time with him! You crossed your arms and tried telling yourself he could rot alone in his own rooms for all you cared, but some small part of you was still saddened by this news. You followed the troopers silently, mulling over this new information in your head, torn between asking yourself why you weren't good enough to live in the same space as him and feeling relieved that you probably won't be seeing him all that much. Now, if only you could keep up feeling okay with his absence. You sigh as the walk comes to an end. With no words of comfort, the stormtrooper goes to leave and you're left in your new apartment to unpack your belongings that that jerk promised would be waiting for you. 

 

You pace in your chambers, there was nothing really else to do. It's been days without so much as a word or sign of your new husband. The only people or droids you’ve seen are the droids that bring you your meals and glimpses of the silent stormtroopers that stand guard outside your door and none of them care to converse with you at all, not even a simple hello. You tried talking to one of them once the day after you came, but that only ended in General Hux swiftly paying you an unwelcome visit by telling you to shut up and not talk to HIS troopers, and to be a good little girl and stay in your rooms. That had angered you, yet you did nothing out of the fear of Ren possibly retaliating against you when he returns. So, you were left by yourself to pass the days in silence. How you wish you had company, really anyone to talk to would be just heavenly at this point. Hell, you would consider even HIS presence a relief; it hadn't taken that long for you to unpack days ago and you could only spend so much time reading what few books you currently had on the shelves. You make a mental note to ask for some more the next time someone takes on the apparently incredibly difficult task of acknowledging your existence. 

You sigh, having already stretched and trained for a couple hours today, you didn't want to do that again even though you were left still quite restless afterwards the first time. You needed to do something, anything that wasn't training or reading. Every so often you tried dancing to clear your mind but your heart just wasn't in it so it just left you feeling worse off than before. Giving up on movement as a means of eating up some time, you finally decided to really examine your ring for the first time as it was something to do that wasn't already done by now. How you managed to not really look at it before was beyond you but oh wait, it's because your husband is a stupid jerk who married you for your abilities and not because he genuinely liked you before terrorizing then deserting you on this stupid base so really this ring shouldn't matter to you at all. Looking the ring over, you realize that the jewel inset really is quite a beautiful shade of red, with a small yet slow pulse that you had at first had to really strain to detect. Wait, normal rings with normal gems don't pulse at all. That means … wow, it’s a kyber crystal. Well then, who would have thought that would happen. You balked at the thought of Ren breaking some of his lightsaber's fractured power source off to give to his little farce of a wife. Then again, it's still a piece of someone who hasn't outright been decidedly negative towards you on your time here and you hold it against your chest, feeling a little less lonely inside for the first time since he left that day. 

Humming in time with your ring, you dance your way to the only window in your sitting room. Looking out, you're not the least bit surprised to see that it’s snowing outside, it's always snowing. You miss the temperate forest climate of your home world. You hadn't seen snow until you stepped foot on Starkiller Base and even though it was slightly wondrous at first, from a distance of course, it had quickly lost that appeal within an hour. Maybe one day you will be allowed to return to your beloved home for even a little while. 

Suddenly you miss your parents, siblings, Elara even more. You don’t even dare try to think of Arek. It's all too much for you to take after so long without anyone talking to you so a lone tear finds its way down your cheek as you hear the door to the suite open, the sound of heavy boots and a respirator making their way towards you. Oh joy, your husband has finally returned. And at the best of moments too. 

Turning to face him, more tears bubble up to the surface as you decide you absolutely have had it with this terrible man and his even worse timing. Only he would dare enter your chambers without your calling for anything first and you don't appreciate him coming back when you're feeling this lonely and vulnerable. You meet him in the middle of the room and immediately start beating your fists against his chest, angrily forcing your thoughts into his head while he stands there. _How DARE you take me from my home, how DARE you say we are going on a honeymoon and then try to scare me into submission, how DARE you plop me on this cold planet and then leave me straight away with no living thing allowed in to come in and talk to me, HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALL BY MYSELF FOR SO LONG!_

He doesn't reply, he doesn't even move. He just watches silently as you continue your exasperated assault on him, small hands balled into tight fists of desperation and indignant words spat sharply through your mind to his. 

It only takes you a few minutes to tire and crumple like a soft blanket on the floor, tears no longer falling as often on your face. He is still frozen in place, with you not realizing it's because he does not know what to do or how to comfort you. 

Eventually he kneels to scoop you up and gently places you on the couch before sitting next to you, his helmet pointed straight at you afterwards, probably studying your face. You are no longer crying but you are still hiccupping as all that pent-up frustration finishes pouring out of you. Thankfully, talking through the Force doesn’t affect your words like speaking out loud would have if you could speak. _I have been alone this entire time, and have no one to talk to and it is all YOUR fault,_ You tell him. He flexes his fingers before balling them into fists. Your eyes flit to that motion and suddenly you're not really sure if you should be facing him or not so you turn away, slightly ashamed of your brazen display of emotion in front of him but also not caring because you know that he really deserved it. _No one has even visited me,_ you pause, looking down. The next words you project are barely a whisper, _I am so lonely._

He thinks for a minute, and rises angrily, "I had all of the storm troopers learn sign language. So that you don't need the Force to communicate. Why have you not left your rooms?" 

What! You could leave? YOU could LEAVE? Since when! You gave him the most puzzled look he has ever seen, and reply _No, I cannot leave! I was explicitly told NOT to leave, and your dear General made it quite obvious that I should shut up and NOT talk to the stormtroopers._

He immediately starts walking away, and through the voice modulator, you can hear the Commander angrily spitting the name Hux under his breath as he storms out of your quarters. Alarmed, you helplessly watch him leave and you are left wondering why he would do such a thing as make the troopers learn sign language for you. Then, you realize that you do not wish to be anywhere near where the General is when Ren finds him.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't abandoned this, I swear! I haven't had time to work on it with class, work, a nasty-gross snowstorm (yay Minnesota winters), aaaand finding out that my 4 wheel drive doesn't work getting in the way ;__; Updates will be less frequent but will still happen I promise you. Phasma is now in the picture and I just love her so much. My best friend and I have also been doing a Star Wars story time on Tuesdays/Wednesday's (not this week though because of the storm and my car being a poop) which has been really fun for me. We're bounty hunters called the Maktis, since that is our shared name in the story, though she goes by Mak and I Tis. And of course we get up to terrible shenanigans with the First Order and a few choice Resistance people. That is a story for another day though, but please enjoy this one!
> 
> Lethe's training outfit: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328104  
> And back in her rooms: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328143
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force

You were granted more freedoms to roam the base, though you now have a stormtrooper permanently attached to your hip if you so much as step a single toe outside of your quarters. You don’t mind so much, as you’re now able to get a desperately needed change of scenery and you relish the exercise. One day, you made your way down to the training rooms and that’s when you met Captain Phasma. She was out of her chrome uniform and had been going through some basic forms when you first laid eyes on her; immediately you knew that you wanted to train with her and hopefully become friends. She had a reputation for being incredibly hard on the stormtroopers, but she ended up showing a slightly softer side to you. 

Over time you two started to bond, and learn that she also has learned sign language for you under the orders of your estranged spouse. 

{It's so much nicer to use my hands to talk,} you stretch, sighing to her one day as you both sat on one of the training room mats while you watched some troopers spar. She nods her head in understanding. The two of you often converse through signing, but sometimes you switch to talking through the Force when you felt like you didn't want the other troopers knowing what you're saying. Or, when you're talking about your husband and you get embarrassed. She couldn't communicate back to you that way, and you wouldn't invade her mind even though you knew she said it was okay in those instances, but she still made an effort to talk in a hushed voice to help with keeping those conversations private. 

Eventually, you look at her uncertainly, fidgeting as you whisper, _So I've been meaning to ask ... and I know you won't but still please do not talk to anyone about this, but why would Commander Ren go to the trouble of making you and the rest of the troopers learn to sign when General Hux so clearly disagrees with him on it? I mean, not that I really mind because it's been less tiresome to use my more favored form of communication, but … I just don't see why he would do that. I know it's not my place to say it but my few interactions with the General have left me with the assumption that he is a VERY disagreeable man, so I understand why the Commander dislikes him, but I do not get why he would so ... rashly use valuable First Order resources for a wife he doesn't even care for._ You shrug sheepishly, ending your confession. 

Phasma hums in acknowledgment, and thinks for a minute before answering, "My lady, even though the Commander usually doesn't show much emotion, other than obliterating furniture and consoles in fits of rage of course, overall he is not completely heartless." You roll your eyes at the thought, but she insists, "I mean it, he is a man of purpose and everything he does is for a reason. Maybe even he learned sign language for you, just ask him. The worst he would do is not give you an answer. I can tell you that he wouldn't dare physically hurt his wife, so you need not worry about that; though sadly the same can't be said for any stormtroopers that are caught in his path." She sounded like that more than one trooper has been met with a searing end from his lightsaber over the years. 

Your eyes go wide at the thought but you don't allow yourself to dwell on it much. You chew on your bottom lip, entertaining the thought of taking her advice in asking him about it as you are genuinely curious to learn the answer but ultimately deciding to shelve it for another day. 

A few silent minutes pass, and sensing a change of subject is in order, Phasma gestures at the outfit you put on for training, {But in more interesting news, I've never seen you in pants before. Is this going to be a new and permanent fashion statement from you?} You think you see her winking at you before she gives you a small nudge with her elbow. 

You giggle as you shake your head, and a few small wisps of hair fall out of your otherwise-perfect updo. {No, I only really wear pants just for training purposes.} Smirking at her, you add, {Though I honestly can't decide which I like more, gaudy dresses or tasteless pants.} The two of you share a laugh. {I guess pants aren't as fun, but they are decidedly not as heavy as my gowns. That is the only major tradeoff, as I don't see mobility being affected by either of them unless I'm wearing one with a more form-fitting skirt. That being said, I don't really own any dresses that fit that description, and rarely wear the few I do have.} 

She nods in agreement, "I own only one dress, and I did make sure that it would have the most mobility in mind." You wonder what kind of dress it is, feeling envious of anyone who would have seen her in it as you know she would be even more beautiful in anything other than her drab trooper uniform. 

You start to want to organize an event that would require her to wear it, but realize that likely wouldn't be an option seeing as she would be clad in chrome, lying in wait for any possible sign of trouble, over actually enjoying any party that you could think of. If only you knew her before you were wed, she could have attended the event, and you could have maybe gotten to see her in something substantial. 

The two of you chatter on for a few more hours, but you do manage to get some training in with the Captain before you excuse yourself for the day. 

 

When you're back in your rooms, you sit down with a good book, a new book, after taking a shower in the refresher. You were still warm from training so you had opted for a sleeveless gown with an attached shawl in case your body decided it wanted to start feeling colder. You have always been highly temperature sensitive so even though it didn't take a whole lot for you to overheat, you were still the first person that you know to instantly seek out warmth as soon as it got even marginally cooler. This had haunted you like a plague all your life, though now it paled in comparison to the man who gave you extra space and belongings. You do have a few throw blankets in your sitting room, but half of the time you don't think to get them out and use them. Sometimes you can't even remember where you put them last. 

An hour passes as you get lost in your reading when the Commander storms in, startling you, and comes over to kneel at your feet in silence. 

You stare at that emotionless helmet, frowning. On instinct, you turn back to your book. 

Minutes pass, before you ask, _What do you want._

You are not met with any semblance of a reply. 

You put down the book, turning to face him and repeating yourself, {What do you want.} 

He looks down, and back up at you. You roll your eyes and sigh in frustration before turning back to your book; he's been doing this every day for two weeks straight and it gets neither of you anywhere. 

Finally, the silence is broken by a hiss coming from his helmet as he removes it. The sound catches your attention so you turn to face the source. Your eyes are instantaneously held hostage by a pair of all-consuming brown ones. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed in concentration, what he was centering his attention on didn't register in your mind as you were entranced by the first glimpse you have ever had of the infamous Commander Kylo Ren of the First Order. The only thought that came to you was how in the entire goddamned galaxy you haven't seen your "husband's" face before now, and you stare in wonder at him. Your eyes trace over the moles dotting his face and elongated nose, up to his disheveled wavy locks and you hear him quietly start talking about how someone can come to Starkiller base, but only if you do something or other in exchange. You're not really paying attention, you're too busy committing his striking features to memory in case you don't get the chance to see them again. You absentmindedly reach out to touch his face, having not really heard a thing of what he just said, and somehow manage to break the spell he had on you enough to nod your head in agreement. 

Abruptly, he puts his helmet back on, stands up, and walks out of your suite, leaving your eyes following his departure and your hand outstretched to nothing but an empty space. 

Ten minutes pass, and your brain is still struggling in an attempt to compute what just happened. You tell yourself that seeing his face doesn't put him in a new light, but more of a humanizing one. All these years you had grown up secretly wanting to know what was under that uninviting helmet, figuring that he would be as disfigured as you heard Darth Vader was when he was in his prime but … you weren't expecting this. You REALLY weren't expecting this. You snap to attention as your face turns as red as the ring that now ties your life to his, surely you just made a complete fool of yourself in front of him and now he knew all of the childish nonsense that went through your mind during that encounter. Wait... what exactly did you just agree to?


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to write on the 5th and give you a birthday present from me (it was my 27th birthday woo) but Microsoft Office decided it didn't want me to log in online so I went meh! But here it is :3 I also got my ears pierced at work that day (I now have 3 sets of earrings and a lip ring) and wow it hurt. I didn't remember how the others felt so I volunteered to be a dummy for a new employee and owowow. I am being a baby about it though so don't mind my complaining.  
> Please do enjoy this chapter though! I quite enjoyed it, especially with Kylo not being able to process what Lethe says so he hides behind his helmet as a coping mechanism. I believe he feels that he can distance himself from what's going on around him that way, and "acts" his way out of uncomfortable situations (for now!)
> 
> Lethe's outfit for the chapter: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328165
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force

Over the course of your life you’ve had your share of foolish moments, but this last one was certainly a doozy. When you were being a total space-case and ogling the Commander’s stupid-handsome face, you unwittingly agreed to moving in to his suite so Elara could stay in your old quarters to give you some extra company. You half-wish that you could take it back but you were too excited to see your guard that you chalked it up to a necessary evil of sorts. Even so, a week later you are still chiding yourself over that whole incident as stormtroopers move your things under your direction. It’s terrible how you haven't been able to look him in the helmet since, too ashamed of your actions. He seems unsettled about it but doesn't want to push the issue with you.  
He walks in and you immediately pull your hood up and turn away to avoid his gaze. He seems undeterred by your reaction and strikes up a conversation with you. _How are things going?_  
You frown, _What kind if question is that?_  
_I meant how is moving your belongings going,_ he sighs audibly. Ah, of course he would be asking about that. More importantly, why are you overthinking this?  
You shrug your shoulders in response as the troopers who picked up your expansive bookcase almost drop it, nearly hitting the two of you, and you are almost shoved out of the way by Ren's arm jutting out to block it. You are slightly unnerved by this but your husband more so as he reaches for his lightsaber to rectify their mistake with blood. You quickly put your hand over his and shoot him a look, _It’s okay, Commander._  
His hand doesn’t move from the hilt, and the troopers are visibly fearing for their lives now.  
You try to think of something fast, and clasp your hand on his before saying, _I would really appreciate having an intact bookcase, dear husband._ This seems to pull him from his thoughts and he lets go of the saber and quickly brushes your hand away.  
You give him a minute to compose himself, as he seems like he wants to say more on the topic but doesn’t. He turns to you, “I have… something waiting for you back in my … our rooms, but you're not allowed to see it until later. When all this is done.”  
You wonder what it could be, probably something dumb like a bust of himself or Supreme Leader, or even a tiny TIE Fighter miniature. You roll your eyes but are still curious so you try probing his mind but he doesn’t let you enter.  
_If I say it's a surprise it WILL be a surprise._ is all the response you get from him.  
You huff but still agree.  
You wonder if you should get him anything since he went through the trouble of getting you a moving-in present. What COULD you get him? You decide to ask Phasma for ideas the next time you see her, as she knows him infinitely better than you. Or at least has an idea of where to start.  
Suddenly, he moves in front of you and pulls your hood down, you look away blushing.  
_You look cute when you blush._ Your eyes dart to where his would be, and he continues, changing the subject as to keep your dignity intact or whatever. “How are you liking it on Starkiller Base? Have you made any friends? What would you like to be different?”  
You're confused as to why he is asking but decide to be truthful and tell him, _I've met and made friends with Captain Phasma and I wish to see you, especially without the helmet, more._ You blurt out that last bit, and then try to reason, _I mean, it's because it's better to have company for dinner than to take one’s meals alone._  
He chuckles, _I suppose you are right._  
You enjoy his laugh even if it's through the Force. Then you wonder if you'll soon be able to hear it with your ears and without his helmet ruining the sound.  
You continue, looking down and fiddling with your cape, _I would also very much like to participate in missions, if not with you then on my own or accompanied by someone else. Maybe Phasma because she is quite capable and we have trained well together._  
He thinks for a few seconds before answering, “I will think about it, I know that you are restless to do something but… I prefer you to be safe on base.” That Day flashes in your mind and you understand his reasoning. As if sensing your thoughts, he goes on, _You know that isn't the reason why, you're no longer that helpless girl. You are more than capable of taking care of yourself. It's more of if the Resistance finds you, and they figure out who you are and capture you... then they could use you as a bargaining chip and I… I don’t want you reduced to that._  
You scrunch your nose. Yeah, fuck the Resistance. You’d cut them all down if they came at you.  
One trooper comes up and signs that moving your belongings is finished. You didn’t think it would be so quick and that Ren would still be here so you really aren’t prepared to go to his… your chambers so soon.  
“I’ll lead you to our rooms, so we can go put your things away now.”  
You’re surprised by this and don’t want to bother him so you reply with, _Oh no, I can manage just fine with the troopers. Thank you for the offer, though._  
He chides you through the Force, _I guess you don’t want what I have for you then._  
Oh. Duh. You somehow managed to forget about that. He’s already walking away so you have to jog to catch up. Curse your short legs!

You’ve never been to his quarters before and you don’t even know where they are but it’s not that long of a walk. He kind of awkwardly stands there for minute, not sure if he needs to make a big deal about it but then moves a finger to hover over the keypad. “You can have your own code if you really feel like it but if not, you can just use mine.”  
You shrug, _Yours is fine, no sense in making a whole new code when they both do the same thing._  
He agrees and punches it in while telling it too you.  
You enter, looking around to see it's quite a bit more spacious than your rooms, but more barren save your things piled in the middle of the space that appears to double as a sitting room and kitchen with a table for dining. Your bookshelf is already pushed against a wall, you hope Ren had directed them to put it there because you really don't feel like moving it. In the far back corner there's a door, you assume it leads to the bedroom and refresher. Oh, you didn't think about the bedroom. You barely know him and you suddenly weren't prepared to share the same bed as him. Shit.  
He sees your wide eyes and red face directed to the door and takes off his helmet, “You'll be sleeping in the bed. I can sleep on the couch in here, if you're okay with that.” He waves a hand towards the door, “I don’t have a big bed, but I'll send for a bigger one for you.”  
You wonder what kind of bed he currently has and ask, _Can I check it out?_  
He doesn’t hesitate to reply, “Of course, these are your rooms now so you don't need to ask permission to go anywhere within them. I want you to stay out of the closet though.”  
_Um, how am I going to dress then? I can't very well keep multiple bulky gowns in a dresser._  
You gear a soft, “oh” before he dashes off to the bedroom, leaving you alone so he can move whatever he doesn't want you to see.  
You decide to busy yourself with putting books away on the shelves while you wait. You spy a few that aren't yours laid out on the coffee table and put those away too. You start to hope he doesn't mind but then decide you don't care because he can deal with having his books neatly shelved with yours since now you’ll be sharing space from now on. After picking up everything, you spot something under the couch. You crouch down to tenderly pick the item up and see that is an old and slightly dusty book with a bookmark in it. You silently appreciate that he doesn't bend pages to mark where he left off. You sit up, and delicately flip through the first few pages before setting it back under the couch to thoroughly study when he's not there.  
He comes out while you're sitting on the couch stacking papers, he has the moving-in present he got you and just plops it down on the coffee table in front of you, before taking a seat next to you. They’re books! You take one of then in your hands, they're various information references about kyber crystals and instructions on how to build your own lightsaber.  
“It took me a while to find all of them, but as soon as you're ready, we will go get you a kyber crystal. And, if you want, I can teach you how to bleed it, to make it more powerful.” He sighs, “If there were more Jedi, you could go strike one down, and take their lightsaber for your own, to bleed as the Sith used to do. Unfortunately, there aren't.”  
You turn to look at him, _What about the one you gave me all those years ago in training?_  
He looks down before standing up and putting his helmet back on. He storms out of the room and comes back a minute later with a strange black box in his hands. His voice sounds far-off through the modulator, “That was from a broken man, you shouldn't worry about it.”  
You wonder if it was his before he joined the First Order but don't pursue the thought. You feel the urge to comfort him but push it away because he seems angry you asked and casually touching each other isn’t really a Thing between the two of you.  
He turns away to remark, “I’ll be back for dinner, do whatever you want until then,” before leaving.  
Left with nothing else to do, you rearrange your dresses in the closet and hunker down to start reading those books.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YIKES no updates for almost a month, I'm so sorry :( Between school and work I haven't had a lot of down time that I wasn't tired or up past my bedtime and I wanted to just sit and work on this when I had some to spare. Spring break is already next week so I'll have more time to work on this, I promise (I'm sitting up at 2am doing this instead of studying for my midterm or better yet sleeping haha.) I do have a longer chapter though today, we find out what that old book Kylo has stashed away is, and some more about the mysterious master of the Knights of Ren. I have summaries down for the next two chapters as well, and have some plot bunnies for future ones that I should probably write down before I forget.
> 
> Lethe's outfit for this chapter: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328183
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force

You've been pouring over the books he gave you for weeks, sleep all but being a thing of the past. Sometimes you just pass out on the coffee table and wake up tucked in bed, it's tiny but still holds the scent of its previous inhabitant. The new bed hadn’t arrived yet but you weren’t too concerned, the smell and softness of the sheets making up for the lack of size. A few nights a week you wake in the middle of the night hearing muffled screams coming from the sitting room, but every time you open the door, there’s no one there. Not even Ren. You sometimes catch a glimpse of his coattails floating their way out of the entrance but each time you are still half-asleep so you’re convinced it’s just the shadows playing tricks on you. You wonder if he even sleeps, he’s never there when you go to bed and when you get up in the morning he’s already dressed for the day. 

In your growing concern for his sleep habits, or lack thereof, you eventually say that he can set up a cot in the room, under the guise of how it would look funny that you, a married couple, aren’t even sleeping in the same room. He doesn’t care but says he’ll set up his old mattress on the floor when the new one gets in. You try to imagine him fitting on that tiny bed and stifle a laugh. 

He also makes sure you eat, and you go over lightsaber construction with him. He is surprisingly helpful and knows a lot about wiring and circuitry, things that never really were touched on in your studies. He just tossed you a lightsaber one day all those years ago and you’ve been using it ever since. You wanted to tell him that you were fine just using it but didn’t want to ruin what he did for you. 

After a particularly tough chapter on properly venting the excess energy of the crystals, you get up and go for a walk, to clear your mind. Your feet bring you to the training room and Phasma waves you over. 

She smiles as you walk up to her, "I haven't seen you in a while, where have you been!" 

_I'm sorry, the Commander has given me some books as a present and I’ve been spending all of my time in our rooms reading them._

She laughs, "So he's been spending a lot of time with you?" The winks and nudges she's giving you are exaggerated to the point of making you blush. 

_No, honestly he's just been very kind in helping me. Speaking of, Captain, do you know of any hobbies of his? I wish to get him a gift as well but I am at a total loss for what to do._

She thinks for a minute before continuing, "I don’t know him extremely well, but he is not a man who has hobbies. I once saw him swig liquor in the officer’s canteen but I can’t remember what it was exactly so actually don’t even bother with it." Taking another minute to think, she turns to you, "What things does he have in his room besides furniture? He's so boring and doesn't have a lot to go by other than training stuff which wouldn't be very fun but... can you think of anything that could help?" 

You remember a few things, mostly books, the specific old book you picked up… what was it about… {Calligraphy! He has an old book on calligraphy, but no sets.} That sounds like a plan, you give Phasma some money so she can find a good one to give to him since you’re not currently allowed off-base. You thank her and wander back to your rooms in better spirits. If you can’t figure out the inner workings of these damn lightsabers, you can at least figure out something else. 

You conclude that deciding where to get your kyber would be a better use of your time while waiting for Commander Ren to return to your chambers. You think against going to Ilum because of how the Jedi got their crystals there, that and the Empire destroyed the only known entrance. So you settled on that Jedha would be the place to go. A fitting location, as it had declined in population after Jedha City was blasted out of existence by the first Death Star decades ago. At least that still had a cave entrance you could find! 

 

Your husband comes back in the evening, when you're back into reading, and silently watches you over the couch. Breaking the silence, he announces, "Your guard will arrive after we return." 

You are instantly excited and turn to him with a giant grin plastered across your face. _Oh, thank you! I'm so happy, I can't wait!_ You put the book you are holding down and clap your hands together before standing. 

His eyes furrow a little and you can see that he's going to start grumbling because he wants your attention. You decided to change subjects before it becomes an issue, _Where’s dinner, I'm suddenly very hungry! How about you?_

His face softens to just deadpan as he goes to order the two of you food. 

After it arrives, you both sit down and begin eating. Being careful not to talk with your mouth full of food, as it is unbecoming of someone of your status even though you can only communicate through the Force or signing, you ask him about what was bothering you earlier, _What is venting in a lightsaber, and why is it so important? Are kyber crystals really so powerful?_

He gives you a small smile, "My lightsaber has a cracked crystal, so to control the extra energy output, I adapted it to include crossguards. I did it so that it could encompass more than one function. Venting, and safety. Kybers on their own are extremely powerful. A cracked one, even better." He hands his to you so that you can look it over. It has a somewhat crude design but you delicately thumb over the exposed wiring, it has a purpose. "Everything must have a purpose on your lightsaber," your eyes lock with his and you nod as the both of you agree. 

_How did you feel building this lightsaber?_ You don't dare ask about the one he gave you. Your decision that it was his from before he joined the First Order was cemented due to his reaction when you asked about it in weeks past. You learned that he doesn’t like conflict with you, or anyone, and will shut down and put his helmet back on if he is pressed too hard. You felt a need of him opening up to you, and you didn’t want him to shut himself off. You would let him come to you in his own time. 

He looks at the saber in your hands as he mulls the question over, "I planned it all out, and ended up over-thinking it. It fell into place it seemed, like almost on its own. That being said, you should map out everything you want from yours. It's better to be overprepared, than under." 

Drat, you were hoping to get out of some of it! You sigh in defeat. 

After dinner, you ask him to go over what you have so far in your schematics. He is impressed over your decision to go to Jedha, and taps on his datapad to schedule the trip. "We will be going next week." 

You are enjoying his attention, usually he doesn't interact with you much out of what is considered customary. You sit on the floor in front of the coffee table as he sits on the couch as you go over how you want your lightsaber to look and he listens intently, waiting to offer suggestions for functional improvements. This continues late into the night until you’re so tired he calls it a day and carries you to the bed and you whine about not wanting him to leave. He reasons there is no room for him on the bed, though your half-asleep self doesn’t care, just wobbles over to the dresser to stick your tongue out at him to leave so you can get your nightgown on. He leaves as you change, and you crack open to door to peer at him back on the couch. You decide not to disturb him and let him sleep since there really IS no room in the bed for the two of you. You lay down and tell him goodnight through the Force. He replies the same as you drift off to sleep for the night to dream of going on a summer picnic with Elara, Ren, and Phasma back on Rane.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay spring break! Boo Minnesota weather, I had to miss a field trip that I really wanted to go to because we were getting 5"-9" of snow that ended up not turning from rain to snow until after my field trip started. I did get some other things done today though, like paperwork for my other boss and a ticket to a convention and starting a cosplay I've wanted to do for a while that I've decided will be for that convention.  
> Anyway, here's the journey to Jedha for Lethe's Kyber crystal! What kind of struggles will she face? I'll stop typing so you can find out hehe. Please enjoy and thank you for your support <3
> 
> Lethe's outfit for this chapter: https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/328220 
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language

Today was the day! You and Commander Ren are finishing preparations to embark on the trip to the Jedha Kyber mines so you could pluck your very own Kyber from its crystalline depths. Ironically enough, your new bed arrives this same day and both you and your husband are frustrated at the troopers because now neither of you will be able to enjoy it for the next however long this journey ends up being. 

You've been awake for hours already and you really just want to leave right now. The Commander has a few last-minute preparations to attend to but eventually he comes to collect you and leads the way to the hangar as you get excited to finally be leaving this dreadfully cold planet. 

Once on the ship, he goes through the pre-flight checklist and after liftoff sets the controls to autopilot before turning to you in the co-pilot seat. You hear the familiar hiss and click that removing his helmet elicits, and turn to him so that he can brief you on what is to come. "Once you're in the caves, you're on your own. It is your quest, and even though I'm here to help, I will only offer advice through the Force. You’ll hear a Kyber calling to you, in a melodic way. Follow it. The caves will try to trick you, make you hallucinate; ignore their fake reality. The path will be hard but it will be worth it." You nod in acknowledgment and move to the back of the ship to meditate on his words and to prepare for the upcoming task. 

 

A few hours later, the ship approaches Jedha and Ren resumes piloting. He flies in close to a cave and he lands around 100 feet away from the entrance. You calmly exit the ship while he turns off the engines and gathers some supplies. 

You've never been to Jedha before, but the dry sandy desert planet was quite the departure from the icy darkness of Starkiller Base and the sunny temperate forests of Rane. The sun was declining to evening causing the temperature to start cooling down and you look at the sandstone surroundings in a peaceful wonder. It’s just the two of you on this endeavor and for miles around no natives dared come near, so he walks over to where you are stretching in final preparation. "Good luck," he says, a look of wanting to say more ghosting on his lips and concern in his eyes. 

{I’ll be fine.} 

He nods. "I’ll wait as long as it takes, and will only step in in the most dire situation. You have to go alone." 

You silently hope it doesn’t come to needing his rescue. You needed to do this on your own; he knew it, you knew it. 

Deciding that now is better than later, you wave him goodbye as you enter the cave; it quickly gets dark as you didn’t permit yourself to bring anything to light the way and the walls don’t reflect the waning sunlight. You shiver and thank Ren for making sure you brought a sweater with. You close your eyes as there’s no use keeping them open when you can’t see anyway, and with your hands outstretched, you feel through the Force and shuffle along as quietly as possible. You did this so as to not miss any sounds of the Kybers deeper within. Ren told you once that the caves of Ilum would trick young Padawans into seeing only the Kyber crystal that chose them but you didn’t know how Jedha would fare so you had prepared yourself for anything. 

Hours? Minutes? Pass and you start to hear a faint song in the distance. You must be going in the right direction. You strain to hear, and follow the sound. The melody reminds you of your childhood, of the few times your mother sang you to sleep when you were little. You didn’t have time to think on that now; you were on a mission and that is always more important than the bitter sting of nostalgia. You relay your findings to Ren and he is delighted to hear the news. He tells you to keep at it. You nod your head even though he can’t see you and press on. 

As you make your way, the sound builds and builds. After what feels like a day spent in this damned cave, the call of your Kyber has become nearly unbearable, and the voices of your parents have joined in on what has now become shrieking gibberish. You cover your ears with your hands and wish he had warned you about that part. You open your eyes as you make your way into a giant cavern of glittering crystals, the one calling to you being higher up on one of the outer walls. Great, you’ll have to climb it to retrieve the Kyber. Your dear long-lost Arek is up there with it, beckoning you to take the dangerous slope up to him. You try to reach Ren in hopes of getting reassurance, but his voice is a whisper that doesn’t have time for your troubles. Is that really him or just another trick of the caves? You decide it is the latter and move over to the rocky wall, beginning your ascent. 

It’s hard, you haven’t climbed anything with your bare hands in at least a decade, but the small cuts that now cover your fists don’t deter you from accomplishing your task. You take your time, testing each step up and pray to God’s you don’t even believe in that you don’t fall to your death. You were glad that you refused to eat before departing; you’re not sure you could handle food in your stomach since it was currently turning cartwheels while your heart held residence in your throat. 

Finally, you reach the Kyber crystal. You were too busy concentrating on not dying to realize the screaming tapered off while you were climbing. It must have decided that it no longer wanted to blow out your hearing and instead wait patiently for you. Arek was still there, however, telling you that you’ll fail with this Kyber, that Ren really doesn’t care about you as much as he did while he was alive. You ignore the specter and take hold of the crystal. Arek starts screaming and the wind picks up around you, you can feel the life, the Force, through the Kyber and it is warm and light in your grip. You try to pry it away from its resting spot and it starts to whine again. You wish it would make up its mind, either scream or be silent. The voices of your parents join in, telling you that you are nothing and never will amount to anything except a lowly wife. You feel the crystal wants to go with you but will not relent until you have been tested one last time. Visions of you being a dark empress or protector of the star systems flash before your eyes. The commander, dead, alive, by your side, fallen to your blade. You will them away but tears are staining your cheeks. This is NOT REAL. You pull at the Kyber formation harder, giving in is not an option. You hope that your footing holds, and that you don’t meet the ground too soon. Tightening your grip on both hands, you give a final tug and the Kyber is freed from the wall. You almost lose your balance but scramble to keep your footing. As relieved as you are, you don't relish in your victory because you still need to get out alive. 

Taking your time, you slowly descend the treacherous wall, after safely tucking your new friend into your pack. You try to make it close enough to the ground that you won’t get hurt when you jump down but misjudge the landing and hear a loud snap as your ankle meets a piece of rock that you swear wasn’t jutting out before. Ren hears your screams through the Force as you reach out physically and mentally to him, your palms now stained with blood trickling to your elbows as you tried and failed to catch yourself on the slippery walls. But you can't take time to think about that right now, you use the Force to numb the pain and lock on his location and slowly make your way to him. 

You slip and fall a few times but use your injuries as fuel to get to the entrance, where he’s been pacing. You limp over to him as he stops in his tracks at the sight of you, worry plastered all over his face, but he knows that he cannot help you as you aren’t completely out of the cave yet. You will make it out on your own. 

As soon as you’re within reach of him, he wraps an arm around you as you press your head against his chest. Neither of you say a word. Eventually you attempt to move towards the ship but after the first falter he scoops you up in his arms and carries you to your seat where he straps you in and sets the autopilot course for Starkiller Base. 

Making his way back to you, you pull out your new treasure. {I did it, I got a Kyber, let’s go home.} 

He nods in agreement, and flies the two of you there as you pass the time with a more than deserved nap.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no fic, ey? My apologies two times over as I'm terrible at updating and Polyvore went tits-up and I didn't know this until it was too late to back up my account sooo I made more outfits and posted them on my pillowfort account.
> 
> Lethe's outfit is https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/334987
> 
> {} used for talking through sign language  
> Italics used for talking through the Force

Elara was waiting for you as soon as Kylo landed the ship. She was practically banging down the door, even though she wasn’t force-sensitive she just KNEW something was up. Once the hatch opened and she saw what a tousled mess you were, she immediately starts fussing over you.   
“My Princess,” her brows knit together in worry, “I’m taking you to the Med Bay. NOW.”   
Neither you nor the Commander object. 

Once your little troop reaches the Med Bay, Elara demands that whatever doctor is in needs to immediately head over. The receptionist ushers you into a private room, Elara having carried you all the way despite your objections gently places you on the bed while Ren stands in the corner looking rather sulky for someone without visible facial features.   
A few minutes pass, and a knock on the door signals that the doctor has arrived. Elara opens the door and in steps a cheery older gentleman. He turns to you, “What seems to be the matter?”   
You huff and the Commander explains the situation while the doctor listens intently and nods every so often.   
After some x-rays of your foot are taken, you are successfully discharged from the Med Bay. You were told that you don’t need to stay there, but that you should stay off of your foot as long as possible. Elara and your darling husband of course take this as meaning you should be on bed rest even though you can accelerate the healing process through the Force. As soon as the walk back to your rooms has started, they immediately shoot any and all of your attempts to tell them this down so you drop the subject and spend the majority of the walk after that in silence.   
Reaching your rooms, Elara is still carrying you when she breaks the quiet, “Your Highness, even though it is not my place I highly urge you to stay in bed until your foot heals.”   
The commander perks up, and agrees. “A good idea. I will take care of her until she is better.”   
Your guard huffs in disagreement while you just roll your eyes. 

Days pass and this does not deter Elara as she has now taken up sleeping on the old mattress in your new bedroom, putting a damper on your husband’s promise of sleeping in the same room as you. Also, they fight over you, constantly. Elara refuses to leave your side and Ren is always rethinking letting her stay. He is so gentle and sweet to you when you’re alone with him but he gets... jealous when Elara is around, which is often. You think it is because someone else is vying for your time now but now the decibels at which their voices reach once they get going is driving you nuts. You end up kicking him out several times due to how louder and more destructive he gets. Thankfully he hasn’t hurt anyone yet, that you know of, but you’ve heard shattering of furniture outside your door quite often. You also think Elara could use some time away from you for the better even though she just got here a scant few weeks ago. You feel bad but the constant headaches from their arguing decides for you. Thankfully, today your husband was away on whatever it is he does and you send Elara off on a walk. You were able to doze for a while before Phasma drops by to check on you with a warm greeting.   
{Hello, Phasma!} Her face is decidedly a welcome sight. {How are you?}   
{I am good, better now that we are all back on base.} She winks at you.   
You giggle, {Have you met my guard, Elara Govan yet? She has been with me since those last few months on my planet.}   
Her face softens in response, {Yes, she we trained together from the day she got here after you and the Commander left. She is a good soldier; she really likes to talk about you but I suppose that is normal considering her position. How has she been getting on with the Commander since your return? With their shared interests and the like.}   
You end up smiling even though your response is the exact opposite of what you wish you could say, {Well, BOTH of them are driving me nuts! They absolutely refuse to stop arguing and it’s insane! My head hurts worse than my damn foot.} You gesture in exasperation at the poor elevated appendage for emphasis.   
Phasma chuckles and hands a medium sized package to you, “I promise I’ll spar with her when she gets back so you have some time alone from at least her. Oh, and before I forget, your highness, here is the calligraphy set you told me to buy for your husband.”   
{Thank you,} you sign before looking the set over, {It looks absolutely lovely. You’ve outdone yourself, Captain.}   
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to... wrap it for you. I didn’t know if that is what you wanted so I left it for you to decide.”   
It didn’t matter that it wasn’t wrapped, it was exactly what you were hoping for. _It is quite lovely as it is now, I promise!_ You smiled at her, _I can’t wait to give it to the Commander when he finally decides to calm down._   
You hear Elara enter the apartment, she had demanded free access to your spaces since your return to base and you made your husband acquiesce on the grounds that she got her own code and wouldn’t be too much of a bother to him. Of course, that didn’t really mean anything since they were near-constantly a hair’s length away from each other’s throats.   
_Elara,_ you say to both the soldiers in close proximity. _Not that you don’t already know this but I’m in the bedroom. I also have a friendly visitor, someone you have become acquainted with in my absence._   
Elara pops her head into the room with a big smile on her face, “Oh, is it Captain Phasma? Hello Captain!”   
You cock an eyebrow at your bedside companion, and you swear she looks nervous for a second before catching her face into a polite smile. “Govan, yes, it is me,” she replies, “How good of you to come here. I was just checking in on the princess before heading down for some training. Would you be so kind as to accompany me?”   
Elara tilts her head to the side while she mulls the request over, before nodding in agreement, “Yes, I think that would be quite nice. I could use the exercise, if my Lady would be fine on her own?” She looks to you, and you nod in turn.   
{Yes, I am quite safe here by myself. Do not worry for I shall do the very strenuous activity of reading a book.} You wink.   
Unfortunately for you, your plans don’t really work out because not ten minutes after the two captains leave, you feel the Commander’s presence approaching your rooms as he gets back from taking care of his duties to check on you. You were nose-deep in a book still but you don’t mind, you’ve mostly been enjoying him doting on you, meaning when he and Elara weren't trying to burn the whole planet down.   
You’ve been healing yourself bit by bit but it’s made you more tired and all that you want right now is his silent company, which he senses. He removes his helmet as he sits at the foot of your bed, and you remember that you have his present out.   
_Hello, husband,_ you sigh, _I have something for you. A thank you, for your generosity and the books you gave me a while back._ You gently hand the calligraphy set to him, it is all in a black box and contains a black canvas roll that has various calligraphy brushes, a dark cherry wood pen stand with accompanying inkwell, and a roll of several pieces of parchment.   
He looks really confused by it and after a few minutes finally speaks. “How... did you know?“   
Looking down, you tell him, _There was an old book under your couch, I saw it that first day and thought a set would make a good return gift for your giving me the means to get my own Kyber crystal. Even though I got injured in the process, it was still worth it to go with you._ Your eyes flicked up to smile at him sheepishly. You hesitate before continuing, May I ask if I can hold you hand, for a little bit that is... please?   
A soft yes sent through the Force is your response. He is still wearing his gloves, but you’re both looking down at your hands as they slowly entwine.   
Thank you again for the opportunity, and for Elara being here even... even though the two of you don’t get along well.   
He stays quiet for a moment, “It’s fine, she just needs to listen better. And not get in my way.”   
You chide him with a look, and softly sigh _She is not under your command, but mine._ Deciding it would be better to change the subject, you continue, _Anyway, when can I start to build my lightsaber? I would very much appreciate your continued help on the matter._   
"I’ll need you to get a list of supplies, all of the things that you’ll need.”   
Then, unfortunately, you rub your eyes; curses! Of all the times to get tired why does it have to be now? _If I tell you, will you write it down for me?_ you coyly ask. _Later though, I would just like to watch you write anything right now._   
You see a little smirk flash across his face as he slides towards the head of your bed to sit next to you, before you lean your head on him and watch as he removes a glove to work his magic. Eventually you fall asleep but he doesn’t seem to mind. 

At some point, General Hux enters your rooms and the Commander puts a finger to his lips right as he was about to interrupt your sleep. Ren gives him a warning glance to leave but Hux replies that Supreme Leader Snoke wants to talk to the two of you. NOW.   
You are gently awakened by your husband, and he helps you to stand after you protest against using the wheelchair he called for. _My ankle is healed enough to pretend that I am not injured in the slightest, plus I need to be standing for an appearance with our Supreme Leader._ You don’t let on that you’re scared and nervous about meeting him for the first time, and you hope he doesn’t see right through you, that he doesn’t pressure either of you on providing the First Order with an heir. The two of you have been married for barely a few months, and you have never thought of doing such a thing with anyone, let alone him! Still, the dread in your stomach causes you to unconsciously reach out to take Ren's hand.   
You both stare at your entwined hands as a tingling sensation runs straight through your body like electricity starting at your connection. Oh, he had forgotten to put his gloves back on. The two of you break contact and back away, leaving the remainder of the walk to the conference room in silence. 

You enter the room, trailing behind the two taller men. You weren’t sure about how spacious the area was, you find yourself squinting to see the walls and the giant throne at the far end. How ominous! The Commander leads the three of you down the dimly lit path to a small dais in the middle of the expansive chamber. It isn’t long before you hear Supreme Leader’s raspy breath announcing the arrival of his hologram. “We finally meet,” you snap up straighter as his words clawed through your bones. “The darling princess from Rane filled with the power of the Force, welcome at last to the Dark Side.” You could barely see his mangled, face but you could just make out a smirk, or was it a sneer?   
_It is an honor to finally make your acquaintance after being under your guidance for so long, Supreme Leader,_ you curtsy in response. You feel Snoke buzzing around in your head looking for something, and you just want to leave, get him out. You hope exiting the room will accomplish this, but something in the back of your mind tells you there is no escape.   
“Indeed.” He sizes you up before turning his attention to your husband, “She is to be started on missions, as of now. She is strong enough in the Force and our ways that I deem her ready.”   
Ren’s hesitation is visible, but he nods in compliance. You try giving him a reassuring look and Snoke dismisses you to talk with the Commander and General alone. 

With nothing else to do, you decide to wait outside the room for Commander Ren, studying your hand. Why did touching his skin feel like that? Was that the first time the two of you had physical contact? Why does your hand still hum with leftover resonance of feeling his rough skin? You turn your hand over, touching it with your other hand and any other surface available to you in the immediate area with no similar sensation. Minutes pass by you unnoticed and the pair eventually emerge from the room. Ren motions for you to follow him as he and Hux part ways. You follow, of course. Whatever the Supreme Leader said after you were dismissed left the Commander obviously agitated, troopers that you pass by all immediately change course so as to not incur his wrath. 

You get back to your quarters and immediately after closing the doors he tosses his helmet away before backing you up against a wall, towering over you while he searches your face for something. You wonder what it could be. You’re not scared, just intrigued and more than a bit nervous as you feel your face turn bright red.   
After a few silent minutes you break the silence, _Why are you staring at me?_ His response is to walk away. You grab his wrist and he freezes. No shock like before, just skin on fabric. He slowly turns to face you, and your free hand is shaking slightly as it makes its way up to make contact with his exposed cheek. When you make contact, that feeling returns. Both of you are stare at each other, eyes wide in a swirl of conflicting emotions. You stand on your toes to get closer to his face, even in heels you are still considerably shorter than the Commander. He slowly starts leaning towards you. The door buzzes and the spell on the both of you is broken. It’s Elara, and Ren instantly straightens up to quickly move away from you. You snap out of whatever magic you were under and hobble over to let her in.   
“Hello, Princess, is everything alright?" Shit, she saw that your face must still be red as an apple. You turn and see that Kylo somehow managed to not only put his helmet back on but also got over by the window and is looking at the floor but not outside. He leaves without a word and you huff at her before signing, {This has been a very odd day.}


End file.
